So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
