apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
