This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
