and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
