Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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