better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
