Already got asked if we're dating
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
