soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
