i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
