Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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