just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
