Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
