my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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