Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
