Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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