I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
