you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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