ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
