wake up i wanna do it froggy style
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Randomize
