I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
