i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.