he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me