Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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