I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
