I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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