I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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