his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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