if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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