She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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