she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
