If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
