So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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