the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
