mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
