She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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