This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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