Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
