6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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