the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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