Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
