she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
