I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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