i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
did i walk over a car last night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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