Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
