I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks