I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.