Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
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You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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