Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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