I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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