I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You made out with two different species that night
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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