I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
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Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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