I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
