if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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