I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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