I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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