Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
