There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
