Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
