who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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