Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can't believe i had my finger in that
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
