I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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