Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
