I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
