I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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