I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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