I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
